does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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