i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
