im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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