dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
