NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
