i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
