I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Randomize
