I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
