Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
