dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
