Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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