Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
