i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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