Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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