five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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