Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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