I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize