Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
