My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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