Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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