were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
