I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
