Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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