if you like me you must not know who I am
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
