Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
