i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
