you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
