Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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