girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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