I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
