Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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