my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
