if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
