3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
