I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
