she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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