I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
