So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
