You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
