I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
