We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I wish there were birth control emojis
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
