I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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