New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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