I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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