I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
