Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize