i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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