Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
