Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
