Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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