Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
false alarm, still single
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
