"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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