I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
