so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
