Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
