i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize