today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
